Wife Swap: Cullen's vs Carter's
by Sara811
Summary: *Sequel to What Not to Wear: Bella Swan* To get her revenge, Bella puts Alice on the show Wife Swap. When Alice switches into a hillbilly family from Tennesee, all kinds of commotion happens.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Here it finally is, the sequel! I know it's been a really long wait, sorry!**

**If you haven't read What Not to Wear: Bella Swan, don't worry it's not vital to your understanding of this one. However I would recommend reading it because I might make some references events in the first one. **

**For those of you who haven't seen Wife Swap before, it's a TV show where two moms switch households for 10 days. The first five days they live like the family usually does, following the rules the other mom wrote up. Then the next five days, they get to change things up and the family gets to live by the other mother's rules. The thing that makes it funny is that they pair up families with VERY different lifestyles.**

**This story will be ****post Breaking Dawn****. Any powers that I gave Bella in WNTW are void. With the exception that her shield can now block Alice's power. It's imperative to the story**

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own Twilight or Wife Swap. Also, in future chapters, i mean no disrespect to any hillbillies, people with southern accents or people from the southern United States. It's purely for comedic effect.**

**Anyways, I know people have been waiting for this so I will stop rambling.**

**Wife Swap: Cullen's vs. Carter's**

**Chapter 1- In which Bella gets her revenge**

**Bella's POV- 3 years later.**

"Alice!" I yelled.

"Yeah Bella." She said as she zoomed into the room from downstairs.

"What did you do with that skirt I got for Nes – Renesmee, last week?"

"I threw it away. It was one ugly skirt. I can't believe you would have thought to buy it. By the way, you almost called her Nessie again." Alice mentioned with a smirk.

"Alice! I can't believe you threw that skirt away! It was perfectly fine. And I did not almost call her Nessie."

"Well I didn't through it away, away. I gave it to Good Will. Now some homeless child will have a skirt to wear. It is better than nothing, but not by much." She added in an undertone.

"Alice, I can't believe after all these years you still can't accept that I don't want Renesmee looking like she walked off the runway of a fashion show. She's still just a child, even if she looks like she's 14."

"Do you really think I would let you dress her?"

"We'll of course not, but I did expect that you would respect my wish that she didn't look like a Chanel model."

"She doesn't look like a Chanel model though, she looks much better than that."

"You know what I mean Alice."

"I do too; you want your daughter to look like some trashy normal human."

"I do not Alice; I just want her dressed appropriately for her age."

"The age she is, or the age she looks?"

"Obviously the age she appears, I wouldn't dress her in toddlers' clothes."

"Then what I dress her in is fine. Besides, she likes the clothes I get for better than the ones you get."

"Whatever Alice, I give up." I said defeated, but that was just for show. In my mind the wheels were already turning for the method of payback that Alice would receive. After the whole What Not to Wear thing, and now the daily battles over Renesmee's outfits, it was time for revenge.

That night when I was sure that Alice was _preoccupied_, I went online and searched for the TV show Wife Swap. I quickly filled out the application form, creating a semi-true picture of our real life family situation.

Alice and Jasper would be the married couple featured. Emmett and Edward would be her "biological" brothers all of whom were adopted by Esme and Carlisle. Rosalie and I would be her sisters-in law. Renesmee would still be mine and Edward's child (the likeness was undeniable) but everyone takes part in raising her. The whole "it takes a village to raise a child" saying would be our excuse. That was also my made up excuse for why all of us "adopted" children were still living with Carlisle and Esme even though we are married. I said that we had a strong sense of family despite our unusual living situation and differences in backgrounds. **(If you didn't get that at all, it's just Bella describing what pretense she made up to conceal the fact they are immortal vampires from the whole world)**

I sealed the envelope, ran to the nearest post box, deposited the letter and ran back. It took all of 30 seconds. I also included a check for 15 hundred dollars, as an _incentive_ to put Alice on the show before she could get any visions tipping her off.

**A/N: There it is, Chapter 1. I know it's kind of short but there will be more in the near future.**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Yeah chapter 2! For once I don't have much to babble on about in my author's note. That's a first!**

**Disclaimer: As much as I wish I did, I don't own twilight or wife Swap. But hey, maybe someday, mind over matter, right? And again, I really don't mean to offend anyone by making fun of hillbillies and southern people. I'm really sorry if I do.**

**Chapter 2: In which there are a lot of phone calls**

**Bella's POV: 2 weeks later.**

_Briiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing, Briiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing, Br-_

I opened my phone, it was a number I didn't know, but I didn't care.

"Hello" I said.

"Hello, this is Mark Summers from ABC. Is this Alice Cullen?"

"Yes." I said, changing my voice from my own to a likeness of Alice's.

"I am happy to inform you that we have selected your family for the next episode of Wife Swap."

"Yeah!" I said enthusiastically. Most people didn't expect to be on a TV shows. Most people also didn't have 15 hundred dollars to bribe the producers.

"We will be coming starting the 15th for some preliminary filming and the swap will be on the 18th."

"Okay!" I tried to sound like I couldn't believe I was going to be on TV.

"Okay, Goodbye then, if you have any other questions, call back at this number."

"Okay, Goodbye." I clicked my phone shut. A hundredth of a second later, my phone started to ring again. It was Alice. I opened it, nervous of what was in store for me.

"Bella, can you explain _why_ I see a camera crew from ABC coming and me going to some hillbilly trailer park in the middle of nowhere?"

"_Payback_" I said simply. She growled and hung up. I smiled in satisfaction. Alice must have seen no escape route from her fate.

**Peggy Sue Carter's POV: (A/N: make sure to use a southern accent when reading, it's a lot funnier)**

_Briiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing, Briiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing, Briiiiiiiiiiiii-_

"Halow?"I said.

"This is Brittney Richardson from ABC, is this – Peggy Sue Carter?"

"Well I'd say that it sure is."

"Well, I'd like to congratulate you on becoming the next star of Wife Swap."

"Oh my goodness, I can't believe this, I'm goin' ta be on da national television."

"Yes – that's right. Well call back if you have any questions. Goodbye."

"Good – bye"

I set the phone back on the receiver and shouted a whoop of joy. All my family came runnin' to see what was the matter.

"What is it Ma?"

"We's goin' be television stars!"

**Alice's POV: **

I was fuming. I couldn't believe Bella had signed me up for a television show as stupid as this one. Switching the wives of families? Ugh! Who comes up with these ideas?

I was so mad at Bella! She nearly went insane when Edward went on a weekend long hunting trip with Emmett and Jasper. Nessie was the only thing that kept her from running after him. How did she think I would survive _10_ _days_ without Jasper! Grrrr….

**A/N: So this chapter is also really short. Sorry, again. It's really more of a continuation of the first chapter. But that's okay. :D**

**I have one more thing to say, if you read, please review! I was a little disappointed of the hits to review ratio. 77 hits to 6 reviews. Come on! You guys can do better than that! **

**PLEASE REVIEW!!!!!!!!!!!!**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Hey everyone! Sorry about how long it took me to get this posted. I was sick last weekend and my weeknights are too busy. But I finally got around to writing it, so I hope you like it!**

**Chapter 2 in which Rosalie gets a surprise visitor.**

**Bella's POV – October 15****th****/day camera crews arrive.**

When I heard the truck turn into the driveway and Alice start to mumble, I knew that the camera crews must have arrived. Everyone else heard too, and we all gathered in the living room. A few minutes later the doorbell rang. Carlisle was the one to answer.

The man stuttered, he obviously wasn't expecting to have the door answered by someone who looks like a model.

"H-h-hello, uh, is this the, um, Cullen residence?"

"Yes it is. Please, come in." Carlisle answered politely. The entire crew walked in. It was a group of 7 people. They marveled at the spacious rooms and tasteful decorating of the Cullen's home. "Welcome to our humble abode. This is my wife Esme. And these are adopted children, Edward, and his wife Bella, Emmett and his wife Rosalie, and the stars, Alice and her husband Jasper and finally, of course, the jewel of the family, Edward and Bella's daughter, Renesmee. Who in truth, is really raised by everyone here. Oh, I almost forgot, that is Jacob, a long time family friend, back there in the corner."

Jacob raised his hand in acknowledgement, but didn't look up from where he was watching TV on the couch.

"I-i-it's very nice to, um meet all of you." The man that seemed to be the leader of the group managed to force out. "We should, uh, go, um, unload the van now."

The crew quickly retreated. There hidden instincts telling them that they shouldn't stay around the Cullen's. Once they were outside, we could hear them starting to recover from their immediate shock.

"Wow! I had heard rumors about this family, but they are a lot more beautiful than people said they were." One man said.

"Yeah, did you see that blond chick? She was HOT!" another man replied. Everyone inside rolled their eyes. They obviously missed the part when Carlisle said Emmett was her husband. I really don't think any of those men would want to get in a fight with Emmett.

"To bad she's married." Yet another man remarked.

"Yeah" they all sighed together.

"Come on you three!" shouted an obviously annoyed woman. "Quit gossiping like old crows and get a move on!" She sounded gruff and mean. The shuffle of footsteps that I heard next showed that the men were quick to follow orders from her. Everyone chuckled in response to this exchange.

There was some more shuffling about as they crew unloaded all of their equipment. They started to bring it in piece by piece and a collection of black cases started to grow by the door. Finally the crew all came back inside.

"Well, we're going to be doing some preliminary shooting for the next few days, so –"he was cut off by Rosalie's yelp of surprise as another man walked in the door.

**A/N: Dun, Dun, dun! Cliffhanger! Sorry!!!! It's short and a cliff hanger but I just HAD to end there, for dramatic effect. I promise that there will be another chapter tomorrow.**

**BTW, I made a mistake earlier. Alice says something about being without Jasper for 10 days, but I was watching episodes of wife swap online today, and it is 2 weeks. Oops!**

**Kudos to anyone who can guess who Rose's surprise visitor is!**

**Also, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE REVIEW!!!!!**

**Thank you!**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Here is the next day update I promised!**

**Disclaimer: (forgot to put one of these in the last chapter so this is for chapters 3&4) I do not own Twilight or Wife Swap. I wish I did, but I don't. ******

**Chapter 4**

**In which**

**Rose's POV**

No! No! NO! This could not be happening! How had Crazy Frank found me again! And anyways, I thought we had scared him out of his wits! WHY! I looked to Alice. Why hadn't she foreseen this happening and prevented it! All I got from her was a devilish smirk.

ALICE! That little b*tch! She must have convinced him to come. I knew that she was bitter about having to be on this ridiculous show, but it was all Bella, not me! She will pay for this!

I glanced back at the camera crew where Crazy Frank was standing. I could see the drool beginning to flow from his mouth. Getting rid of a stalker once was hard enough; I didn't know how I would be able to do it again!

**Alice POV**

Ha! My plan had worked! I had successfully gotten Crazy Frank to come! Ha! If they thought I would go peacefully, they were wrong! Their lives will be miserable when I am gone! Not only would they have to pretend to be human for 2 weeks, but they would have to deal with Crazy Frank! Ha! Ha! Ha!

**Edwards POV**

I was shocked by Alice's thoughts. She was pure evil. I knew she was really mad about being on this show but I didn't expect her to go insane on us. Is it even possible for a vampire to go insane? We would have to keep close tabs on her now. For all I knew she would go all dictator on us and make us her slaves!

_Edward! Everyone's emotions are crazy. Alice is … triumphant? Rose is really mad. Everyone else is in varying degrees of shock. Except Emmett, he's confused, like usual. _Jasper thought.

I gave a mental laugh and tuned into Emmett's thoughts.

_What the hell is going on? Why is everyone all shocked, and why did Rose scream, or yelp, whatever that noise was. And why is she glaring at Alice? Gah! I'm so confused! Why can't someone explain things to me!_

This just made me want to laugh even more. The laughter must have reached my lips, because Bella gave me an odd look, but no one else seemed to notice.

"I'll tell you later love." I whispered quietly into her ear. She nodded in understanding.

The head camera man coughed. "So as I was saying, we're just going to be doing some preliminary shooting for the next few days, just to get some footage of normal life here. We want everyone to act just like they normally would."

"That sounds great!" Esme said. "Now, if anyone would like, I think the cookies that I was making are almost done!"

There was excited babble from the camera crew about the impending sweets. Bella and I quietly slipped away and went out to our cottage. It was similar the one in we had in Forks.

"So" Bella asked as soon as we were out of hearing range. "What's the dirt?"

"It was Alice who convinced Crazy Frank to come back. Now Rosalie is really mad at her and already plotting revenge." I explained. "The reason I was laughing though is because of Emmett's thoughts. He was absolutely clueless as to what was going on."

Bella laughed. It was the most beautiful sound in the world to my ears. Like the peal of many bells, in perfect harmony with each other. I warped my arms around her in a tight embrace.

"What a crazy family we have!" I said.

It made her laugh even more. The sweet sound like music to a deaf man's ears.

The next few days passed uneventfully. As asked, we continued about on our daily lives. Emmett and Jasper played video games; Jake and Renesmee watched TV together and talked on the couch. Alice and Rose went shopping a lot, mostly to avoid Crazy Frank who followed Rosalie around, drooling most of the time. I spent most of my time at the piano with Bella by my side. Now that she had her strength under control, I was trying to teach her to play piano. She was a quick learner and was working on composing a piece for Renesmee's birthday.

**Emmett's POV**

The days were so boring! We were supposed to be acting normally, and since we had to pretend to be human, it wasn't any fun. Having to act human all the time SUCKED!

We all had to eat food, and then cough it back up of course. We had to pretend to go to the bathroom every couple hours, blink, fidget, and all kinds of unnecessary stuff.

Worst of all, Rose went out shopping with Alice everyday to avoid Crazy Frank! It was especially boring without her!

So, when I wasn't shooting people in video games, I liked to mess around with the camera crew. Especially the three men who had called Rose hot earlier and kept trying to hit on her.

"Yeah" I bragged. "I have my own personal hunting lodge up in Canada. I have a whole big wall with all of my trophies and all the furnishings are made from the animals that I have killed."

It was sort of true, I did have a lodge in Canada, but Rose wouldn't let me decorate how I wanted, with all the trophies and stuff I had described. Something about it being gross she said. I thought that it would be cool but what Rose wants, Rose gets.

"Really?" they asked.

"Yeah, sure. I have a room with all my guns in it too, 236 total." I chuckled at this in my head, like I needed guns. I could kill anything with my bare hands.

"Wow!"They exclaimed, astounded.

"Yeah and I know how to use them all too." I added threateningly

They didn't try to hit on Rose again after that little conversation. After that I went back to playing video games with Jasper. It was a Civil War game, so of course, Jasper was a Confederate. I was a Union general, just to make him mad, and kept killing all his men. I had hacked into the game earlier and made it so that my troops could have machine guns and tanks. I totally whooped Jaspers butt. All he had was measly canons. Mwh hahahaha!

**Random Camera crew guy (one of the ones that Emmett had a "talk" with)**

Whoa! This family was really creepy! They were creepier than the family who thought they were pirates! **(A/N this family was really on Wife Swap once. It's on YouTube. Just search Wife Swap – Baur/Fine. It's a really funny episode! Sorry for the interruption!)** It wasn't anything about their life style, they were just creepy! The way they would sit and not move for what seemed like hours and then other times they would move so quickly, you could barely see them move. And then if you happened to brush up against one of them, they felt like a block of ice. Cold and hard. And their extreme beauty was unnerving. They were hard to look at sometimes.

I wondered how there could be so many gorgeous people living together. They all looked like models. I knew that the father was a surgeon. Maybe he was a _plastic_ surgeon. That could be the reason for their extreme paleness.

Whatever the case was, I hated being around these people. They sent chills down my spine. So beautiful, yet _dangerous_? I think that is what my subconscious was trying to tell me.

The men were definitely dangerous, especially the big, burly one. Emmett I think his name is. 236 guns? I was definitely scared.

I can't wait to get out of this place!

**A/N: he He He! Poor camera men!**

**Hope everyone is satisfied with the length of this chapter. It is a page longer than the rest of them. I will try to make /keep them longer in the future.**

**So anyways, I'm really mad because my best friend called and asked if I wanted to see Twilight with her, but I couldn't because of my stupid dance rehearsal! Grrr…. **

**And here is a random question that I thought of last night, is there any line of longitude (the up and down ones) that is uninhabited and is just nature. I know that there are lines of latitude with no humans because of the ones entirely in oceans or Antarctica, but what about longitude?**

**See, like I said, totally random. You don't have to answer, but you can ponder on it if you wish. :D**

**PLEASE REVIEW!**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: Hey everyone! Sorry for the long wait! I was just being kind of lazy since I didn't have school and it was a holiday and such. But good news, I finally got to see the Twilight movie!!! I thought it was really good! Even though they did screw some parts of the book up, it was still pretty amazing. I wish that they had kept the dialogue from the lullaby scene though! It is seriously some of my favorite lines from twilight! But nothing has said!!! Grr.. but it was still good!**

**Okay, enough on the movie. Here is the chapter!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own twilight or Wife Swap or any of the characters. *sigh* I do own Crazy Frank though, and the random camera people! It not nearly as good as owning twilight though! :(**

**Chapter 5**

**In which rose plots, Alice wallows in misery and Emmett is still clueless.**

**Alice's POV:**

I sat on the edge of the bed dry sobbing. If I could cry, my room probably would have been flooded by now. My mammoth suitcase sat open with clothes bursting out of it. I was only allowed one suitcase, and even though I had bought the largest suitcase available on the market, I could not get all of the clothes and accessories that I would need to fit. It was my worst nightmare!

I would have to bring all of my clothes with me. The nearest mall was 5 hours away, even at vampire speeds. I knew that there would be no internet service, so online shopping would not be an option.

How would I be able to survive 2 weeks without my two favorite things? Jasper and shopping!

I swear. The producers of this show had sent me to my own personal hell! Curse Bella for putting me on this show! Curse her!!!

A soft knock at the door interrupted my silent rant. Jasper walked in.

"Hey Alice. You alright? I can feel your sadness and anger from way out in the forest. Edward said your thoughts sounded like you were really upset."

"I fine jazzy, I just don't know how I'm going to survive without you. That and I can't get all my clothes I need to fit in that suitcase!" I started to sob again. Jasper reached out and started to rub my back and send out waves of comfort in my direction.

"Thank you" I murmured.

"Anything for you." He said as he bent down to kiss me. We kissed slowly and passionately, he pulled away all too soon and said.

"Now what are we going to about this suit case issue?" I sighed and looked down; there was just no way that all those clothes that were currently spewed all over the floor would fit in my suitcase.

"Well, I guess we can unpack everything and see if there is anything I can do without, though I doubt it, and try repacking everything and making it fit."

Together we sat on the floor and began to sort through the piles and piles of clothes. We had reached the bottom, but something didn't seem right. The bottom of the suit case seemed off. As soon as japer reached to exam it, I got a vision and knew exactly what had happened! I reached out and pulled the small black loop hidden in the dark, far corner of the suitcase.

A false bottom! I knew it! I had four more inches of suitcase! Everything would fit now! And I knew _exactly_ who did it.

"ROS-A-LIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I screeched.

**Rose's POV**

As soon as I heard Alice shriek, I zipped out of the garage and was on the highway in a matter of seconds. I had been sitting in my car, waiting for my cue.

I knew it would be best for me to stay far out of Alice's reach. She would give me hell for this. But little did she know that this was just the beginning. She had this coming to her. If she thought she could get away with bribing Crazy Frank to come here and live to tell about it, she was sadly mistaken.

Revenge will be sweet!

**Emmett's POV**

What the hell was Alice yelling about now? And why was she yelling at Rose? Some one really needs to explain this all to me. Rose had tried, but she lost me before she began.

Alice came flying down the stairs in a fury.

"Emmett!"She roared. She flew over to me and put me in a death grip. "Where is Rose? Wait, never mind, she went and ran away from me! So she's scared of me, huh! Well she should be! Because when I get my hands on her -"

I cut her off, "Alice is this really necessary? I mean -"

"YES!" she roared before I could finish. "Tell me where she went!"

"I didn't know she went anywhere. She said she was just going out to the garage to work on the cars. You're the psychic around here. Shouldn't you now?"

"I knew she left of course. I just don't know where she is because she won't make up her mind!" she let go of me. "I can see keeping you here all night is going to do me nothing. I'll have my revenge eventually."

It was really creepy. I swear I could see the wheels turning in her head. I would have to tell Rose about this. But first, I was going to shoot a couple hundred more people in my video game. I had it on two players with one person as Jasper and the other as me. But jasper wasn't playing so I was just killing all his people as they stood there doing nothing! Ha ha ha! Sabotage is fun!

As I was playing I thought about my encounter with the angry pixie known as my dear sister Alice. I wondered what all of this was about. Alice was obviously fuming over something Rose did. I knew Alice got mad when Rose borrowed her clothes but she didn't get this mad. Then I remembered something from earlier in the day.

"Hey Emmett," rose had asked. "Do you have any good ideas for pranks to pull on Alice?"

"Umm, sure, of course. You could burn all her clothes, make the mall go bankrupt and close, paint her car orange , dye her hair green, put a false bottom on her suit case to make it smaller –"

"Stop! That's perfect!" she had exclaimed.

"For what?" I asked.

"Oh, nothing." She replied.

I wondered if that conversation had anything to do with Alice's anger today. Probably not I decided and went back to blowing up Jasper's troops with grenades and the likes.

**Peggy Sue Carter's POV (remember, southern accent = lots of fun!)**

I answered the knocking at the door.

"Well butter my buns and a-call me a biscuit! I can't believe it's you Auntie Martha-Mae! I aven't seen you since, round about three days ago!"

"Heidi doo?"

"Just fine! Those fancy camera crew people are a-here takin some videos of me and my family."

"I know. That's why I comes. Be-ins as yur a-goin' away to dah city, I's brought y'awl some vitals to munch on, case dat yankee gurl can't a-cook up a nice meal for y'awl."

"why thawnk ya somethawng awfully much!" I said as a-took the plawte from her 'ands. "It will mighty appreciated!"

"sew," Auntie asked. "How are y'all doin width them city-slickers here?"

"I dunno, they's a-seem awfully scared of us. Likes we contagious or somethawng."

"Well, what else can ya expect from them fancy-schamncy smaht folks?" I nodded my haid in agreement.

"ida'claire, this will be mighty differnt from what Ima use too. Goin' to dem city-folks house and a-living dere."

"sure will." Auntie agreed. "now, can ya get me some of dat-air leemonade?"

**A/N: I know this was sort of a filler chapter, but I promise that things will start rolling in the next one.**

**For once I don't have anything to write down here. So…**

**PLEASE REVIEW! Is the only thing I have left to say.**


	6. Author's Note

**A/N: So very, very, very, sorry at the lack of updates. My inspiration for this story has fizzled out so this story will be on semi-permanent hiatus until I get some more ideas for it. :(**

**Again I apologize to everyone who reads this story.**

**Some good news is that I've started writing a new story called Forbidden Love. I really love this story and love writing it too. I've been typing like a mad woman and neglecting to study for my exams this afternoon. Its 1 in the morning and I'm not even tired because I'm on an adrenaline rush from writing. I know that sounds weird, but it is true. **

**I hope that this story can pacify anyone who has been sharpening their pitchforks and going to find some torches. :D**

**I will let you all know when I decide to continue with this story. **

**Till then,**

**--Sara811**


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